As I write this, I am on Skype with Prince Charming. He is making me 'stay with him' instead of going to the bathroom and making myself sick. I feel full, not in the good way. I have this overwhelming urge to empty my stomach of its lunch right now.
So how did this happen? I was doing awesomely well! How could Smiley Princess (who is the reincarnation of Wonder Woman, Xena and Lara Croft put together, forming the embodiment of kickassness, ie me. Wait. They're all fictional. DAMMIT I guess the reincarnation thing doesn't work) have come to this after almost a week of not binging nor purging?
Well. My Fitness Pal is seriously starting to get to me. I've become a calorie-control-freak for the past few days. I now frigging measure tablespoons of Balsamic vinegar and weigh pieces of lettuce to enter their calorie content. SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I feel trapped. Don't get me wrong, the feeling of having lost weight and seeing what minerals/nutrients I eat is AMAZING, and when I stick to my strict/healthy food and exercise routine, I am content. I don't binge nor stick my head down the loo. So when something like temptation somehow disrupts my routine, I feel miserable, tormented and at a loss. Indeed, today, my GRAZE box arrived.
For those of you who aren't as clever as me and don't know what Graze is, it's a service that delivers a weekly box of four 'healthy' snacks to your door. The service is awesome and to be honest, considering postage is free, it's a pretty good deal. You can even customise the foods you receive by telling them what sort of stuff you like, what health level you want the snacks to be etc. BUT! It disrupted my routine because the foods look so yummy, and I have the biggest sweet tooth EVER (gross, just gave myself a mental image of me as a Haribo-chomping saber-toothed tiger).
So after my super healthy, low-calorie lunch, I sat myself in front of Vampire Diaries (JEREMY GILBERT - need I say more? Also I am skiving a lot of obligations today under the pretext I am SUPER ILL and GOING TO DIE. Does man flu apply to girls? I did go to the gym though, which probably made it worse). Being ill is unlike my usual schedule when I am usually out and about, so I felt a strange sense of unease and boredom. Then I remembered the Graze box. So I ate three of the snacks, while tormented by anguish.
I now feel like the guy from Supersize Me. Sick and fat. Even though I've eaten a grand total of only 900kcal today, which SHOULD be normal right? Well, My Fitness Pal says I should eat a net daily 1200kcal to lose weight, therefore what I've done, my brain thinks, is unacceptable. So I've gone into panic/guilt overdrive. GAHHHH. I started walking upstairs in order to gurgitate in reverse motion (eww inappropriate metaphor) but quickly texted Prince before reaching the loo - he immediately called me back and told me NOT TO PUKE, to get on Skype now and to write my blog. Well... I suppose I KIND OF have to agree with you all that Prince Charming is a pretty amazing boyfriend. I still feel the torment, trying to resist going up to the bathroom but at least, I'm still here.
In other news, thank you all so much for all the advice and feedback I got for my previous entry Seriously, what would you do? It was interesting to read your different accounts and the ways in which you've dealt with similar situations. Prince Charming came over last night and we had a serious chat about his Thing. (NOOOOOOO, not THAT thing, you dirty-minded freaks!!! I mean His Thiiiiiing! Just read the previous entry for a refresher, dammit). It turns out he had read my blog entry before I could mention it to him, for which I felt very very awkward, and also because he feels a bit embarrassed at having been pictured in such a way to his/my fans. He hopes you still all love him! In any case, I think he saw what I was getting at, which is reassuring. We both agreed that drinking is a symptom of something he has been feeling, and that it's the FEELING that needs to be tackled before even considering going back to the sauce. Words cannot express how thankful I am that he is going to try. He and I need to help each other. Aah, so much sentimentality!
I just really need to sort out what I'm going to do with the whole My Fitness Pal thing. The biggest part of me doesn't want to let it go, which really worries Prince Charming. But I also know it completely goes against my recovery stance. I don't want to be anorexic again. That would not be cool.