Because Mum screwed up my relationship with food and with my body image, I'm angry at her. Yes, I've now managed to emotionally distance myself from her, and completely ignore any abuse she throws my way, but the bruises persist. It's like trying to scrub dry bird poop off a car - not only is it gross but it's so dry that it's become unwashable (believe me, I've tried. Not even Dettol did the trick. Though maybe I should've used a scourer instead of my flatmate's toothbrush).
How someone can have such a magnanimous impact in their kid's life really scares me (My mum, I mean. Not the bird poop). One thing which terrifies me is that when I have children, I may screw them up too, and ruin their lives. I already hate myself for this (weird, I know), and also feel really guilty that I may possibly damage my relationship with Prince Charming.
Prince Charming already knew of my past with eating disorders... but when we started going out a year ago, I resolved to hide my current issues from him and recover by myself before he found out. Well it didn't really happen that way because I was a lazy fat bum who couldn't be bothered with treatment, so I finally told Prince Charming about it last week that I have a problem. I had been inspired by his resolve to address his problem with Something, and realised that one key to recovery is HONESTY with others. If you're honest with others, you're honest with yourself, which is extremely important.
Don't get me wrong, telling Charming was NOT easy because I was convinced that he would run away flapping his arms around and screeching (he doesn't generally screech, I just made that up), or even worse, be disappointed in me. But all he did was tell me how was proud he was of me for acknowledging my problem, and that we will help each other. BOOH YA. (Not sure why I typed the latter - I meant it as an exclamation of contentment but I think it just made me sound gangsta, not in the cool way)
SO YES. I've finally realised that I need to change my life around, for my sake and for those I love. Going to have to call the NHS tomorrow to see if I can get yet ANOTHER referral to start treatment (honestly, they've seen me contact them then ignore them about 6 times already, they probably hate me).
The other thing is to STOP EATING when I feel low, bored, alone or fidgety, or because I feel like it would make things more pleasant or because it seems like a good idea or because Teletubbies is on TV and 'what would complement the Teletubbies well? Maltesers.' (I don't watch Teletubbies. Only 7 mornings a week.)
Because when I find myself eating in any of the above situations, I generally lose control and purge. And that is something I NEED TO STOP DOING! Damn Maltesers.