Monday 4 February 2013

Damn Maltesers

Because Mum screwed up my relationship with food and with my body image, I'm angry at her. Yes, I've now managed to emotionally distance myself from her, and completely ignore any abuse she throws my way, but the bruises persist. It's like trying to scrub dry bird poop off a car - not only is it gross but it's so dry that it's become unwashable (believe me, I've tried. Not even Dettol did the trick. Though maybe I should've used a scourer instead of my flatmate's toothbrush).
Gross.

How someone can have such a magnanimous impact in their kid's life really scares me (My mum, I mean. Not the bird poop). One thing which terrifies me is that when I have children, I may screw them up too, and ruin their lives. I already hate myself for this (weird, I know), and also feel really guilty that I may possibly damage my relationship with Prince Charming.

Prince Charming already knew of my past with eating disorders... but when we started going out a year ago, I resolved to hide my current issues from him and recover by myself before he found out. Well it didn't really happen that way because I was a lazy fat bum who couldn't be bothered with treatment, so I finally told Prince Charming about it last week that I have a problem. I had been inspired by his resolve to address his problem with Something, and realised that one key to recovery is HONESTY with others. If you're honest with others, you're honest with yourself, which is extremely important. 

Don't get me wrong, telling Charming was NOT easy because I was convinced that he would run away flapping his arms around and screeching (he doesn't generally screech, I just made that up), or even worse, be disappointed in me. But all he did was tell me how was proud he was of me for acknowledging my problem, and that we will help each other. BOOH YA. (Not sure why I typed the latter - I meant it as an exclamation of contentment but I think it just made me sound gangsta, not in the cool way)

SO YES. I've finally realised that I need to change my life around, for my sake and for those I love. Going to have to call the NHS tomorrow to see if I can get yet ANOTHER referral to start treatment (honestly, they've seen me contact them then ignore them about 6 times already, they probably hate me).

The other thing is to STOP EATING when I feel low, bored, alone or fidgety, or because I feel like it would make things more pleasant or because it seems like a good idea or because Teletubbies is on TV and 'what would complement the Teletubbies well? Maltesers.' (I don't watch Teletubbies. Only 7 mornings a week.)
Whehay!

Because when I find myself eating in any of the above situations, I generally lose control and purge. And that is something I NEED TO STOP DOING! Damn Maltesers.

14 comments:

  1. Wow, you have a powerful voice and already this is a powerful blog.
    I'll definitely come back. Do you mind adding a follow bar to the side?
    Getting treatment is a great, amazing, perfect idea. Keep going with it! It can never hurt, even if it won't help. Don't give up, even when it gets awful. Keep posting, and keep reminding yourself that you need to get better.

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    1. Someone wants to follow me woooooooh! always a bit of an ego-booster :) I've added the follow bar (I think. Unless I accidentally made an I.T. mistake and divulged the entire contents of my computer TO THE WORLD!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! Nah it's fine.)

      Need to do the treatment thing, and thanks for your support, it means a lot that someone who has the same issues is encouraging me to do the right thing. I'll keep posting, and I also look forward to reading more of your blog!

      Princess xxx

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  2. hi, I‘ma brazilian girl, I have E.D. I‘d love meet you and talk with you... this is my blog: www.myfakehappiness.blogspot.com.br
    kisses

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    1. Hey! Following your comment, I had to come by and check out your blog - thank goodness for Google Translate! I left a comment and look forward to your comment
      LOTS OF HUGS
      Princess xxx

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  3. Hey dear, I'm following your blog. Thanks for commented in mine. Sorry, I don't speak your language, so, certainly there will be some mistakes...
    Really, the google translate it's a wonder! But I'm trying don't use so much, because, I really need better my english... I know, still a long way (hahaha)
    So, I wasn't cutting myself, no more, but, it's like a sensation of ”interior peace”, and I needed feel this (but actually it doesn't exist)... you understand me? it's strange. I don't doing again!
    Well, the relacionship with my mum and me it's so complicate...
    About the Prince Charming is so nice when someone understands us and wants to help us .
    I hope for heart that you'll be fine, that you can change for someone you love, for those who love you too ...
    Stay strong...
    Kisses. Ah, if you want to talk to me, can send me an email (anne.c9 @ hotmail.com), or comment in my blog.
    Give news!
    *hugs* *-*

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    1. YAY I love it when people stalk me. Except not actual stalkers, I'd probably have to arm myself with a taser gun. STAY AWAY FROM ME GAHHHH!!! Just kidding.
      Yes please don't cut yourself again! Think about it this way, how are you going to be able to wear those sexy sleeveless tops otherwise? In all honesty, if you feel like cutting yourself (I know it's hard, as I said, I used to do it too) PLEASE find an alternative, like I dunno, writing music or poetry, or screaming into a pillow or massacring teddy bears (please don't massacre the teddy bears).

      Let me know how it all goes, and I look forward to reading you blog (just gotta go feed Prince Charming now)

      Princess xxx

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  4. Hey chick!
    Love the blog (even though I had to Google "Maltesers".. Pretty sure those are just called "Whoppers" in America.. Haha)
    It's great that you're working towards treatment. Seems like all of the people blogging here are in different stages of their EDs.
    Despite where I'm at, I love hearing from people that are getting their lives straight!

    Good luck!

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    1. Hello hello! Haha that's so funny you call them 'whoppers' in America! I guess it's easier than saying Maltesers (if you're as lazy as I am) and works better, marketing-wise! (honestly, when you think about it, Malteser is a stupid name)

      Thanks for the encouraging words!!! Where are you at?

      Princess xxx

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  5. I love the way your thoughts are expressed in your blog! Believe me the people at NHS have seen people come and go, it is part of recovery. Recovery is never the same for any two people and most people don't get it "right" the first time. I mean come on these coping skills have ben with us so long and damn it they used to work. Now that they don't work we need to find new ones and it will take time. It sucks but in all honesty your worst moment are behind you now because you want things to be different. Goodluck!

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    1. Hehehehehehehe I'm glad you think I'm amazing and awesome and sexy (oh wait no that's just me)

      Thanks! I guess the NHS see so many of us that they kinda forget about us... And you're deffo right about the coping skills, I guess we just gotta keep adapting...

      Hope you're doing well babez

      Princess xxx

      PS OMG CAKE MAKES ME WANT TO PUT RAINBOWS IN THE WORLD

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  6. Paha, I love your blog. So glad I just found it...can relate to so much of what you say in this post alone I will definitely be back read more!

    Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your journey, it's awesome!
    Love and best wishes, Hope :) xx

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    1. Hope hope hope. Thank you, that means a lot, I'm glad it elicited such an initial exclamation of the word 'paha'. That made me happy. Let me know how you get on.

      Maltesers make me happy.

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  7. PS. Maltesers....don't even. <3

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